Whew…it’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to post these pics of my new place for some time now. There really is no good reason why I haven’t already. Sure I’ve been busy. No, I haven’t felt like uploading the photos to a new gallery. Yes, I’ve really wanted to send out the obligatory email with my new info and a link to said pics. I can’t tell you how such a simple task has weighed on my mind. Add it to a long list, I suppose, and you get my general state of procrastination.
Tonight, for example, I read a silly sci-fi book that I am wrapped up in (Rama II, by Clarke & Lee), thought about how exactly to rearrange my living room, and then finally rearranged my computer desk. All of that got me to about 9:00pm, when I decided I would finally forego the incapacitating internal dialogue and cross this task off my list, shedding a great weight in the process. Funny how the mind can erect such obstacles of pure avoidance, abstractions which require so much more energy to sustain than that which is required to complete the avoided task. On my better days, I can see this ego play for what it is, but perhaps I haven’t been having some of my better days. All I can say is, I sure am glad that I’m finally writing this entry.
So how’s the new digs? Most excellent, friend, thanks for asking. Here’s a taste:
Living alone for the first time feels like the most adult moment of my 31 years. The superlative is warranted. I’ve often dreamed of having my own apartment, and, now that my job now allows for it, I recognize it for the totality it represents — the broad spectrum of emotions between joyful strength and desolate weakness. As I alluded to earlier, the last 6 weeks or so since my move have been a complicated mix of emotions attended by many disparate activities. I’ve been both fully inspired and utterly apathetic, cooked the healthiest of fare and scarfed the most base of meals, elated about the freedom of solitude and desparate for connection. Perhaps this is simply the natural process of contemplating a new life plateau, one that likley represents the dawn of my middle years. I’m not counting out this context.
What I’ve come to realize, though, is that with independent living and a potential career ahead, I am now wholly responsible for my life. More to the point, the external influence of random roommates or banal employment have been removed from my mental equations. Now, what I do, how I feel, where I go are that much more my decisions. While I never expressed my desire as such, I think this challenge is why I’ve wanted to live alone for so long. Already it has been both exciting and terrifying, and has taken much adjustment. But as I approach the two month mark, I am feeling more settled in my new skin. The highs and lows are becoming patterns that I can observe and work to stabilize. All in all, I feel ready for this moment of adulthood — a new phase of my life that heralds so much routine accompanied by untold potential. Well-equipped with the past, I feel ready to explore the future with as much child-like wonder as I can muster.
Filed under: At Home
